“Being mad at my own body for something it has no control over only succeeded in making everything hurt even more.” ― Lara Parker
When most people think of sex, they think of penetration. But outercourse—any sexual activity that doesn't involve penetration—can be just as satisfying, passionate, and connected as any other kind of sex. In fact, outercourse can deepen intimacy, expand your sexual repertoire, and keep your pleasure life alive during times when penetration isn't an option.
So let’s talk about how to have successful outercourse with your lover: what it is, why you might choose it, how to prepare for it, and how to make it hot as hell.
Why Choose Outercourse?
There are so many valid reasons to choose outercourse, and none of them mean your sex life is lacking. Sometimes, it’s about honoring your body and your lover's body. For example:
Menstrual cycle: Some people don’t feel like penetrative sex during their period due to cramps, fatigue, or just plain discomfort.
Viral outbreaks: Herpes and other STIs can cause painful outbreaks or increase the risk of transmission during flare-ups.
Yeast infections or BV: These can cause irritation, pain, or odor, making penetrative sex undesirable or uncomfortable.
Post-surgical healing or physical conditions: Sometimes, the body just needs a break from internal play.
In these moments, outercourse can be a beautiful, connective, and creative alternative.
Preparing for Outercourse Success
Great outercourse starts before you touch each other. If you want it to be hot and connective (and not just feel like "making do"), you need to talk about it ahead of time.
Have the conversation ahead of time: Let your lover know what’s going on with your body. If you’re on your period, healing, or dealing with a flare-up, it doesn’t need to be a big deal. Share what you do want instead of what you can’t do.
Discuss what turns you on: What body parts make you melt when touched, kissed, or licked? What fantasies have you not explored yet? Are there parts of you (or your lover) that don’t get enough attention during regular sex?
Set the mood: Just because you’re not doing any kind of genital to genital/mouth/anus contact doesn’t mean you skip the ambiance. Music, lighting, scent, and setting all affect desire. Create a space that feels sexy and inviting.
Engaging the Seduction Learning Styles©
Using the Seduction Learning Styles© can help make outercourse not just sexy, but deeply satisfying. Think of it like teaching your partner how to turn you on through the ways you best receive information.
Auditory Seducers: Dirty talk, moaning, compliments, or sexy storytelling. Use your voice to tease, affirm, and arouse.
Visual Seducers: Dress up, light candles, send nudes beforehand, or just let your partner watch as you touch yourself. Visuals matter.
Kinesthetic Seducers: Prioritize touch, massage, dry humping, grinding, sensual baths, or body worship. The skin is the largest sex organ.
Intellectual Seducers: Sexting, writing down fantasies, or even reading erotica together before things get physical can spark excitement.
Knowing which styles resonate with you and your partner makes outercourse even more personalized and connective.
Self-Awareness Is Sexy
One of the biggest keys to hot outercourse? Knowing your body.
Take time to explore yourself. What parts of your body crave touch? Can your thighs, ears, neck, feet, or chest be sources of erotic energy? Do you enjoy being teased, denied, or indulged?
You don’t need to rely on a single body part for sexual expression. Use your hands, your voice, your mouth, your thighs, your breath. Every inch of your body can be a tool for connection and ecstasy.
Final Thoughts
Outercourse isn’t a consolation prize. It’s a celebration of creativity, connection, and pleasure. When you shift your mindset from "we can't have sex" to "we get to explore a new kind of sex," your entire erotic world opens up.
So go ahead. Make out. Dry hump. Lick. Tease. Touch. Breathe together. Tell your lover where and how to touch you. Take turns being worshipped.
Because pleasure is still pleasure—and outercourse can be orgasmic, intentional, and deeply satisfying all on its own.
Cheers to your sexual success!
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