"Languages for Modern Love offers an expansive and affirming alternative to the popular “love languages” idea. It recognizes that love is experienced in and important for ALL relationships — not just romantic ones. And there’s FAR more than five ways to express it." -Anne Hodder-Shipp
When Dr. Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages in 1992, it transformed how people understood relationships. His theory suggested that people express and receive love in five primary ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. This framework helped countless couples and individuals recognize how they experience love, enhancing relationships through deeper emotional connections.
However, as relationship dynamics have evolved, so too has the need for a broader, more nuanced understanding of love languages. Enter Anne Hodder-Shipps, whose book Speaking From the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love expands on Chapman’s model by acknowledging the diverse ways people express affection, support, and intimacy in contemporary relationships.
Hodder-Shipps’ 18 Love Languages offer a fresh, inclusive perspective that better accounts for different identities, relationship styles, and cultural backgrounds. Below, we explore each of these modern love languages with real-life examples to illustrate their impact.
The 18 Love Languages and Their Real-World Examples
Accountability – Demonstrating love by taking responsibility for one's actions and making amends when needed.
Example: Apologizing sincerely after a misunderstanding and taking steps to prevent future conflicts.
Active Listening – Providing undivided attention and responding with care when someone shares thoughts and emotions.
Example: Setting aside distractions and engaging in meaningful conversation when your partner wants to talk.
Acts of Empathy – Recognizing and validating another person's emotions and experiences.
Example: Offering words of understanding and comfort when a friend is going through a difficult time.
Affirming Communication – Expressing love through encouraging, uplifting, and validating words.
Example: Reminding your loved ones of their strengths and celebrating their accomplishments.
Bestowing – Gifting meaningful items that demonstrate deep understanding and thoughtfulness.
Example: Giving your friend a book on a topic they are passionate about, showing you truly know them.
Emotional Labor – Putting in effort to manage emotions and provide emotional support to others.
Example: Checking in with your partner and offering a listening ear when they seem emotionally drained.
Engaged Experiences – Creating shared moments that foster connection and lasting memories.
Example: Planning a special outing based on your partner’s interests, such as attending their favorite concert.
Intentional Time – Making a conscious effort to spend meaningful time together.
Example: Scheduling weekly date nights or deep conversations to stay connected.
Personal Growth – Supporting each other’s aspirations, self-improvement, and development.
Example: Encouraging a partner to pursue further education or a passion project.
Platonic Touch – Non-sexual physical gestures that foster closeness and warmth.
Example: Holding hands, hugging, or resting a hand on a friend’s shoulder in times of need.
Problem-Solving – Working together to address and resolve challenges.
Example: Collaborating with a partner to find the best financial plan for shared expenses.
Providing – Ensuring material, financial, or practical needs are met.
Example: Cooking meals for a sick partner or helping a friend with transportation.
Shared Beliefs – Bonding through shared values, traditions, or spiritual practices.
Example: Attending religious services together or volunteering for a cause you both support.
Solidarity – Showing love through advocacy, support, and standing up for each other.
Example: Defending a friend against unfair treatment or supporting your partner’s career ambitions.
Teamwork – Functioning as a team to navigate life’s challenges and successes together.
Example: Balancing responsibilities in a relationship to prevent burnout.
Thoughtful Service – Performing acts of care with genuine intention and effort.
Example: Noticing your partner’s exhaustion and handling a household chore they usually do.
Undivided Attention – Giving complete focus to a person in meaningful moments.
Example: Turning off notifications and making eye contact during deep conversations.
Upskilling – Learning new skills or sharing knowledge to benefit a loved one’s growth.
Example: Teaching a partner how to cook their favorite dish or taking a class together.
Remember, these are just one example of each, but the book goes into many examples of what this looks like and what it doesn't look like, so I encourage you to check it out.
Why This Matters
The beauty of Hodder-Shipps' expanded love languages is that they allow for greater specificity in how we communicate and receive love. While Chapman’s five love languages provided an excellent foundation, these new languages acknowledge the complexity of human connection beyond romantic relationships—embracing friendships, family, and even self-love.
By identifying and embracing your own love languages, you gain a deeper understanding of how you engage in relationships. Likewise, learning the love languages of those around you fosters healthier, more fulfilling connections rooted in appreciation, understanding, and intentional care.
So, which of these love languages speak to you? Consider sharing them with your loved ones and seeing how they can enrich your relationships in new and exciting ways.
Cheers to your sexual (and non-sexual) success!
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